I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
