Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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