Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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