now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Hippo gnu deer
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
