I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
