You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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