You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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