Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
