My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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