My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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