Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
