i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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