I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
