I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
there was a trapeze. enough said
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
