I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
