Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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