Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
