New invention idea: vibrating tampons
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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