Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Randomize
