Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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