I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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