if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
