the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Hippo gnu deer
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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