i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
