In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
