I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
