if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
