I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
