I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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