it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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