My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
