I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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