apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
is it fun? or sober?
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
