Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
