I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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