she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
sex in a hospital.. check
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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