evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
