a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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