yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
