this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
being pregnant is like rehab
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
