Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
