I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
