some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
