I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
there's paper in my vomit.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
