why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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