so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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