If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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