I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
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