Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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