Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
