Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
