My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
